We have all uttered in frustration the aforementioned sentence. However, how many of us actually confront the person that we feel is mistreating us? Not many people do because they do not know how to approach the situation. I recently wrote a post called Speak now or forever hold your peace, discussing why you should confront those who you feel are mistreating you—even if it is your boss. However, in the prior post I did not discuss how to go about accomplishing this feat.
I want to acknowledge that it is totally normal to be confused as to how to respond someone mistreating you—especially if the culprit is your boss. People have been conditioned into thinking that their boss being disrespectful to them is the “norm.” After all, we see it all the time in the movies. The boss is the villain we love to hate because they are oftentimes depicted in scenes demeaning their employees (i.e. The Devil Wears Prada). We relate to the employee and cheer on the “little guy” who is able to get away with doing something that many employees feel that they could never do in real life—gasp—stand up for themselves and tell their boss they will not tolerate their demeaning behavior.
So why do people feel that confronting your boss is something that only happens in the movies? Now, I know the first thought that comes into most people’s mind is —“I don’t want to lose my job.” This is a perfectly understandable response because this scenario could possibly happen. However, you need to ask yourself, “Is my dignity worth giving up over this job?” Only you know can answer this question, but if you are anything like me, being fired for speaking up for myself was a risk I was willing to take because I believe everyone regardless of what position they hold should be treated with respect. I must say that in my experience I have never been fired—the bosses I confronted were either too embarrassed or shocked so needless to say—I never had anymore problems with them.
Like the majority of employees, I always tried to take ownership of my position and do my job to the best of my ability by volunteering for extra projects, working late when necessary, etc. However, all of my efforts were rewarded with rude behavior. I quickly learned that there are some people in life you will never be able to please. Therefore, in order to prepare to speak your peace, it will help you to understand the following reasons as to why some bosses feel compelled to mistreat their employees:
Intimidated: People are intimidated by those that they feel might expose their lack of knowledge. Unless you plan to “dumb” yourself down, there is nothing you can do to make your boss feel “safe” from the fact that you are not trying to take their job.
Insecurity: Fear breeds insecurity. You start to doubt your capabilities because you are too busy focusing on how well someone else is performing instead of concentrating on ways you can improve your own performance.
Slothful: It is easier for your boss to blame other people for their own shortcomings and unfortunately you are in the line of fire. Instead of your boss admitting their areas of weakness and asking you for help, it is easier to belittle you and cause you to doubt your own abilities. This takes the pressure off of them (your boss) addressing their issues at the expense of your confidence.
You can take comfort in the fact that you cannot prevent your boss from experiencing any of the aforementioned emotions; therefore it does not make any sense to alter your personality at the expense of your happiness. These are issues your boss needs to work through on their own and since misery loves company, they feel they need to take their frustrations out on you. In the event, that you are “lucky” enough to find yourself in this situation and do not want to take the mistreatment your boss is ever so freely dishing out, here are some tips in how to confront them about their behavior:
State your case: We have all been in meetings where it is evident that the presenter is unprepared—do not be this person. Practice what you want to say before requesting the meeting. If you go into a meeting to confront your boss you must have some examples (at least three) of how they are mistreating you. You have to have facts demonstrating your stance because it makes your case against them even stronger and puts them on notice that their “game” of demeaning you is up because you will no longer tolerate this type of behavior.
Request a meeting: Always request a meeting in writing (this will make even more sense when you get to point 6). You can send a simple email like, “I would like to meet with you as soon as possible because there are some outstanding issues I would like to resolve.” You do not have to get into details in your email, but it is imperative that you have some form of documentation demonstrating that you tried to resolve the problem.
Set the tone: When you begin your meeting, maintain direct eye contact. When you look away from people it demonstrates that you are nervous or lying (obviously this is not what you are trying to achieve), so do not allow them the opportunity to sense your fear—those who enjoy bullying others feed off of fear. The meeting will go downhill fast if they sense you are scared. Look directly at your boss and say something like, “I don’t know if you mean to come across this way, but I feel (state how you feel and give examples) and I will not tolerate this type of treatment.”
Listen: It may be tempting to do all the talking, but you must give your boss the opportunity to explain their actions. Even though your boss has been less than civilized to you there is no need to stoop to their level.
Finish strong: Again, in my experience and with others who share my point of view, oftentimes your boss will either be too shocked or embarrassed to put up much of a fight because they know that their game is up. However if your boss attempts to make it seem like you are blowing the situation out of proportion—continue to reiterate your stance. The degree to which you exude confidence determines the success of the meeting and getting your boss to treat you with the respect that you deserve.
Know when to get HR involved—Oftentimes, once the air is cleared your boss will want to forget that this meeting ever happened. Mainly because you had the guts to address them and their worse nightmare is having others follow suit. However, in the rare event that you boss chooses to continue acting childish—now is the time to get HR involved.
Explain your situation to HR and give them a copy of the email demonstrating your attempt to resolve the situation. I worked as temp one time in HR and the first thing they will always ask you is, “Did you talk to (insert name) about how you feel?” Again, you will be saving yourself and HR sometime because you have documentation of requesting a meeting and will have already had the meeting. Your case against your boss is even stronger because you will have demonstrated to HR that you did your part in trying to resolve the situation (it doesn’t look like you are talking about them behind their back).
Again, it is perfectly normal to feel nervous about confronting your boss, but don’t talk yourself out of doing so. Just focus on how great you will feel once you finall
y clear the air. You will be able to have even more confidence in yourself knowing that you stood up for yourself and your boss will know that you a force to reckoned with should they choose to mess with you. Speaking your peace for the first time is scary, but it will allow you the opportunity to experience how the employee in the movie feels—empowered.
